When I was 21, I wrote a Medium post called Augustus Waters Does Not Exist, and No One Likes to Have Their Heart Broken.
Now at 27, I laugh at the petulant musings my younger self felt comfortable putting on the internet, but some thoughts stuck out. 2020 has been a whirlwind for everyone, and I am personally reaching my breaking point.
I was supposed to get married, change careers, and start house hunting this year. Instead, I’m scrolling TikTok, battling Maskne, and taking online quizzes like it's 2010. I feel closer to 16 than 30 at this point.
My younger self bemoaned the fact her life was not put together. I felt I was lagging. I wanted to fast forward through college, internships, and job experiences and catch up; be where I was supposed to be.
Looking back, I realize how stupid that was. There is no catching up, especially now. The mentality of 2020 is to make it through, no matter how haggard you come out on the other end.
We have been fed a lie that we should be positive, productive, and profitable 100% of the time — if not, we’re not dedicated or real enough; we can’t handle life and should buy into the books, coaching sessions, planners, and rituals that can boost our ability to be someone better.
If that were true, we would not require specialized jobs. We would not need communities. We would be self-sufficient in homes we made for ourselves, not interacting with others because everything we could want or need, we can get ourselves. Correct me if I am wrong, but that mass isolation sounds exactly like the part of quarantine everyone hates.
In John Green’s The Fault In Our Stars, Augustus Waters and Hazel Lancaster are two teenagers battling cancer. Their youthful ignorance of the world, paired with terminal illness's tragic reality, gave them a pessimistic view that 21-year-old Nadine ate up.
Why was I taught to hope and pray for miracles if the world was cruel and unfair to good and bad people alike?
I know now, this is a lesson I had to learn for myself. I had to, like Augustus, find the thing that would “be a privilege to have my heart broken by..”
We don’t know when there will be access to a vaccine; we wait in anticipation at the imminent spike in COVID cases, and we pray for those impacted while hoping our circles are spared. Humanity has gone through tragic and horrific things — COVID-19 has revealed the best and the worst among us.
However, we still have a choice, will we fight this together or give up before we are even done? I have seen more acts of kindness, more sincere connections, and more of an effort to love during COVID-19, only comparable to living in NYC after 9/11.
Covid sucks. Quarantining sucks. Trying to survive during the global pandemic sucks. We miss our families; we miss our friends, some of us even miss commuting to work (kind of). But, we’re not done, and even though we don’t know when the end is — we know it’s up ahead somewhere, and that is what keeps driving me forward.
When you log-in to Medium, you’re prompted to “Tell Your Story.”
Even years later, I agree with my younger self.
There is no perfect story. My life will take twists & turns, I will be confused & hurt. Most importantly, my ending is yet to be because my story is not finished, & that is both exciting & daunting at the same time.
